one must imagine a Leafs fan happy, part two

well, i did it. i allowed myself to believe that the Toronto Maple Leafs could finally win a playoff round, and against the defending champion Tampa Bay Lightning, no less. i forgot (or chose to ignore) one simple, eternal fact: this is a team of and for losers. nothing good is ever allowed to happen to them in the post-season.

but the inevitability of their defeat doesn’t make the taste any less bitter. forget the Stanley Cup, which is awarded to the team that can win four playoff rounds consecutively. i was 8 the last time the Leafs won even a single round. i am 26 now. how much longer must i wait to be rewarded for my fandom in any meaningful way?

of course, that’s the wrong question to ask. cheering for the Toronto Maple Leafs is supposed to be a punishment.

sports don’t matter, and the outcomes of sporting events aren’t dictated by what i personally would prefer. cheering for any team, caring about any of this, is an act of futility. when Auston Matthews scored 60 goals this season, a feat only accomplished two other times in the past 25 years, my response was “that’s great! this certainly portends well for the team’s chances to have an extended playoff run! oh, how delighted i would be to see that!”

my response should have been: “who cares.” and i’d be much happier right now if it had been. but instead, i’m proven a fool once again for letting myself get invested in the first place. it didn’t have to be this way. but it’s too late to change now. i will always be a Leafs fan. i hate it, but there’s no use rebelling against the truth. i tried that with respect to my gender identity, and the only thing that taught me is it doesn’t work. the heart wants what it wants. i am a Leafs fan, and i am a transgender woman. maybe one day either of those facts will bring me joy instead of emotional torment, but i’ll just have to wait. at least i’ve never tried to kill myself over a Leafs’ loss. can’t say the same about the other thing.

oh well. there’s always next year. in the meantime, i guess i’ll keep pushing this boulder up a hill 🙂